My Inspiration

 
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ON AUGUST 11, 108 FRIENDS RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM BARBARA:

“DEAR LOVED ONES, ON A DAY WHEN THE WIND IS PERFECT THE SAIL JUST NEEDS TO OPEN AND THE LOVE STARTS. TODAY IS SUCH A DAY.

AFTER CONTEMPLATION ON THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT, TALKING WITH MY FAMILY AND OTHER DOCTORS, I AM CHOOSING NO FURTHER CHEMO TREATMENT.

THE MOST DIFFICULT PART OF THIS JOURNEY IS KNOWING THE TOLL IT TAKES ON MY CHILDREN, ALI, CALEB, AND JORDAN. THEY ARE SO WONDERFUL; WE ARE SHARING SOME OF THE SWEETEST TIMES EVER. MY BELOVED HUSBAND, RICHARD, IS MY ROCK AND LOVES AND SUPPORTS ME UNCEASINGLY. PLEASE KEEP THEM WHATEVER WAY YOU MAY BE INSPIRED…IT IS A DIFFICULT PATH FOR THEM TO WALK, TOO.

I KNOW THIS IS A SAD STORY RIGHT NOW…I KNOW THERE IS GRIEF TO BE HELD, BUT I ASK THAT YOU HONOR THAT AND THEN LET IT GO…LIVE AND ENJOY YOUR LIVES WITH ALL THE HAPPINESS THAT COMES YOUR WAY. I’M NOT JUST SAYING THIS TO BE NICE - I REALLY MEAN IT. I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR THE LIFE I HAVE LIVED AND THE YEARS I HAVE HAD.”

LAST SATURDAY AS BARBARA LAY ON THE MASSAGE TABLE LOOKING LIKE A SLEEPING PRINCESS, SEEMINGLY READY TO BE SET TO SEA ON A BED OF STRAW WAITING FOR THE FIERY ARROWS TO DESCEND UPON IT, DOROTHY, HER MOM, SAID TO MY WIFE AND I:  “I AM SO PROUD TO BE HER MOM.”    DOROTHY WE GET IT!

SO: WHO AM I, FOR THOSE THAT DON’T KNOW ME? AND WHY AM I HERE?

I AM MARTY SNIDER, LIKE ALL OF US HERE A FRIEND OF BARBARA’S, AND SHE INSPIRES ME.

I MET BARBARA AND RICHARD ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO WHEN MY WIFE DRAGGED ME TO THE COMMUNITY SUNDAY MORNING MEDITATION/MEETINGS. MY WIFE’S EXPECTATION WAS THAT I WOULD BE “FIXED, CURED, TRANSFORMED” INTO WHAT I WAS NOT SURE.  MY EXPECTATION WAS THAT MY INVINCIBLE ARMOR, THAT I PERSONALLY CREATED AND DEVELOPED OVER MANY YEARS, WOULD PROTECT ME FROM THESE STRANGE PEOPLE WHO TALKED ABOUT LOVE, COMPASSION, COMING FROM HAPPINESS, AND HOW YOU COULD BE SAD FROM A STATE OF COMPLETE AND UTTER HAPPINESS.  AT THE END OF THE FIRST MEETING I WAS WAITING FOR THE CAMP FIRE, MARSHMALLOWS, AND A SPECIAL RENDITION OF CUM BY YA. BUT THAT NEVER CAME.

IT IS CLEAR, THEY WOULD SAY, THAT ONE CANNOT CHANGE OUTER EVENTS; THE WISDOM IS TO CHANGE THE INNER EXPERIENCE FOR THIS IS THE ROAD TO “THE MASTERY OF LIVING.” THUS FOR ME THE PROCESS BEGAN.

BASED ON BARBARA’S WORDS NOW, CONTAINED IN HER JOURNAL, I UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE AND RICHARD MEANT THEN;

AUGUST 10:  I AM INSPIRED AND MOVED EVERY DAY THAT I SPEND WITH ALI. HER STRENGTH IS AWESOME, HER WISDOM DEEP, HER BEAUTY GREAT, HER LOVE THE BEST.

AUGUST 14:  I AM INSPIRED BY GRAND MOM’S BEAUTY AND STRENGTH AT 81.

AUGUST 17:  MY CHILDREN ARE FANTASTIC, MAGNIFICENT.

AUGUST 21: I WAS SO INSPIRED BY RICHARD’S WORDS TODAY ABOUT REALLY EMBRACING THIS TIME AS A “RETREAT.” I LOVE RETREATS. I FELT MORE INNER PERMISSION TO REALLY EMBRACE THIS TIME IN THAT WAY AND A FEELING OF DESERVING IT TOO. SO NICE.

BARBARA YOU INSPIRE ME!

LET ALL THOSE WHO HAVE EARS TO HEAR, LISTEN, FOR I TELL YOU THIS: AT THE CRITICAL JUNCTURE IN ALL HUMAN RELATIONSHIP THERE IS ONLY ONE QUESTION: WHAT WOULD LOVE DO NOW? NO OTHER QUESTION IS RELEVANT; NO OTHER QUESTION HAS ANY IMPORTANCE TO YOUR SOUL.

WHEN I WAS ASKED TO SPEAK TODAY I MADE SOME ASSUMPTIONS AS TO WHY:

FIRST, I ASSUMED IT MUST BE BECAUSE BARBARA BEAT OUT MY WIFE ON THE CONSISTENT NUMBER OF TALENT MACHINE PERFORMANCES AT THE SUMMER GARDEN THEATER SHE ATTENDED. IT MUST HAVE BEEN IN THE 100DREDS.

SECOND, I ASSUMED THAT EVEN AFTER BARBARA MANY YEARS AGO LED THE SISTERS OF NO MERCY ON A CLANDESTINE RAID OF MY HOUSE, DURING WHICH THEY THREW MY BED IN THE TRASH, SHE STILL MUST HAVE HELD ME IN HER HEART WITH LOVE AND WITHOUT JUDGMENT.

THIRD, I ASSUMED, AND THEN CLEARLY REALIZED, IT MUST BE THAT I OWE HER. 

OWE HER FOR WHAT YOU ASK?  HOW ABOUT ALL THAT IS IMPORTANT.

  • I OWE HER FOR THE LEARNING;

  • I OWE HER FOR SHOWING ME HOW TO BE CARING;

  • I OWE HER FOR STILL HOLDING ME IN HER HEART WHEN I FAILED HER;

  • I OWE HER FOR NOT GIVING UP ON ME DURING MY TIMES OF DARKNESS;

  • I OWE HER FOR NOT GIVING UP ON ANY OF US DURING OUR TIMES OF DARKNESS;

  • I OWE HER FOR SHOWING ME HOW TO SHED MY ARMOR, HELPING ME SHED IT, AND CONSTANTLY REMINDING ME WHEN I TRIED TO PUT IT BACK ON WHEN FEAR WOULD ARISE;

  • I OWE HER FOR TEACHING CHILDREN AND PROTECTING THEM WHEN THE SCHOOL SYSTEM WOULD NOT;

  • I OWE HER FOR LOVING AND SUPPORTING NATURE;

  • I OWE HER FOR KAYAKING OFF MY PROPERTY;

  • I OWE HER FOR MAKING THIS WORLD BETTER BY HER EFFORTS AND PRESENCE;

  • I OWE HER FOR BEING STRONG IN SPIRIT, CREATIVE IN MIND, AND ALWAYS TRUE TO HER SOUL;

  • I OWE HER FOR BEING AN UNWAVERING ADVOCATE FOR WOMEN;

  • I OWE HER FOR BEING THE REBEL LEADER OF THE SISTERS OF NO MERCY;

  • I OWE HER FOR LETTING ME OBSERVE HOW TRUE PARTNERING WITH ONES SPOUSE WORKS;

  • I OWE HER FOR PROVIDING ME WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO CREATE MYSELF ANEW IN THE IMAGE AND LIKENESS OF WHO I REALLY AM, BASED ON MY GRANDEST IDEA OF WHAT IT IS I AM CAPABLE OF;

  • I OWE HER FOR SHOWING ME BY EXAMPLE HOW TO LOVE, THE ALL, OF ONE’S SELF; THE GOOD AND THE BAD - THE DARK AND THE LIGHT - THE COMPASSION AND THE SELFISHNESS - THE SUCCESS AND THE FAILURE.

  • I OWE HEAR FOR GETTING ME OFF THE TRAIN GOING SOMEWHERE AND GIVING ME A TICKET TO THE ONE GOING NOWHERE;

  • I OWE HER FOR SHOWING ME HOW TO LIVE LIFE EVERY SECOND LIKE IT MATTERS WHILE KNOWING THAT IT REALLY DOESN’T;

  • I OWE HER FOR SHOWING ME HOW TO COME FROM WHAT YOU HAVE RATHER THAN WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE;

  • I OWE HER FOR SHOWING ME, A JEW, WHAT A CHRISTMAS MORNING IS LIKE;

  • I OWE HER FOR THE WONDERFUL SOUP AND BREAD SHE HAS LEFT AT MY DOOR;

  • I OWE HER FOR BEING THERE EVERY SUNDAY FOR US;

  • I OWE HER FOR BEING ABLE TO TELL HER I OWE HER;

  •  I OWE HER FOR SHOWING ME HOW TO BE A PEACEFUL WARRIOR DURING THE MOST TREACHEROUS TIMES;

  • I OWE HER FOR WRITING HER OWN OBITUARY AND BEING FACTUALLY CORRECT;

  • I OWE HER FOR PICKING HER OWN CLOTHES TO WEAR WHEN SHE WOULD LIE “IN STATE” AT SHILEY AVENUE;

  • I OWE HER FOR ALLOWING US TO SHARE HER BEAUTIFUL BODY AND SOUL BEFORE AND AFTER DEATH; AND

  • SADLY/HAPPILY, AS SHE TAUGHT ME, I OWE HER FOR SHARING AND SHOWING ME/ALL OF US HOW TO DIE FROM A SPACE OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS.

BARBARA YOU INSPIRE ME.

“AND THERE ARE THOSE WHO GIVE AND KNOW NOT PAIN IN GIVING, NOR DO THEY SEEK JOY, NOR GIVE WITH MINDFULNESS OF VIRTUE;

THEY GIVE AS IN YONDER VALLEY THE MYRTLE BREATHES ITS FRAGRANCE INTO SPACE.

THROUGH THE HANDS OF SUCH AS THESE, GOD SPEAKS, AND FROM BEHIND

THEIR EYES HE SMILES UPON THE EARTH.”      

(BARBARA)

SEPTEMBER 4:  INSPIRED AGAIN AT MY SISTERS OF MERCY-JEN AND LORRIE-SHOWING UP IN ALL THEIR GUARDIAN ARMOR AND BAGS OF GOODS. THEY ARE THE BEST!

SEPTEMBER 6:  I AM AGAIN INSPIRED TO ‘KEEP GOING’ STILL MORE WHOLENESS AND LIFE TO LIVE.

SEPTEMBER 7:  SILENCE AND AWARENESS OF MY DEVASTATING REALITY.

SEPTEMBER 27: I AM INSPIRED BY ME…CONTINUING TO WALK THIS DIFFICULT JOURNEY. JUST DOING IT. I MUST HAVE HELPERS KEEPING ME-OH! I DO, MOSTLY THESE REAL HUMAN ONES DOING THE REAL WORK OF ALL THIS WITH ME.

OCTOBER 1: “I’M SO HAPPY,” AND I’M DYING, AND IT WAS ALL-OK.

 

BARBARA YOU INSPIRE ME!

“FOR WHAT IS IT TO DIE BUT TO STAND NAKED IN THE WIND AND MELT INTO THE SUN?

AND WHAT IS IT TO CEASE BREATHING, BUT TO FREE THE BREATH FROM ITS RESTLESS TIDES, THAT IT MAY RISE AND EXPAND AND SEEK GOD UNENCUMBERED?

ONLY WHEN YOU DRINK FROM THE RIVER OF SILENCE SHALL YOU INDEED SING.

AND WHEN YOU HAVE REACHED THE MOUNTAIN TOP, THEN YOU SHALL BEGIN TO CLIMB.

AND WHEN THE EARTH SHALL CLAIM YOUR LIMBS, THEN SHALL YOU TRULY DANCE.” 

OCTOBER 3:  FINAL ENTRY/FINAL WORDS IN BARBARA’S JOURNAL: “SO HAPPY TONIGHT."  BARBARA DIED ON OCTOBER THE 7TH.

 

RICHARD, ALI, CALEB, AND JORDAN THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR WONDERFUL, INSPIRING, AND SAINTLY MOTHER WITH US. SHE HAS INFLUENCED AND IMPACTED EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM IN A PROFOUND WAY. WE ARE BETTER HUMAN BEINGS BECAUSE OF HER. SHE NOT ONLY TALKED THE TALK BUT SHE WALKED THE WALK. SHE WILL LIVE ON IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER, AND WHEN WE STRAY OFF THE PATH HER IMAGE WILL APPEAR TO REMIND US TO GET RIGHT BACK ON WITH NO “STUFF ABOUT IT.”

DOROTHY THANK YOU FOR HAVING HER.

BARBARA YOU INSPIRE ME. YOU INSPIRE US ALL. YOU WILL DANCE IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER.

NOW I WANT TO HEAR EVERYBODY SO SHE CAN HEAR IT: BARBARA YOU INSPIRE ME.

BARBARA I LOVE YOU.  THE MARTY MAN

 
     

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